Unlearning Love: Healing From What You Thought Love Was
- Dr. Wil Rodriguez
- Jun 24
- 3 min read
By Dr. Wil Rodríguez
A Symbolic Moment
She stood in front of the mirror, holding a letter she never intended to send. It wasn’t addressed to a person — but to a version of herself that once believed love meant sacrifice. Her eyes scanned every line, every word soaked in apology… not for what she had done, but for everything she had accepted in the name of “love.”
That letter became her permission slip — to begin unlearning.
What If What You Learned About Love Was Wrong?
Love isn’t always what you think it is. Sometimes, it’s what you were taught it should be. And in many cases, what we’re taught is a mix of fairy tales, trauma, cultural obedience, and emotional debt.
We fall in love with the idea of being chosen, saved, or needed. We mistake control for care. We confuse intensity with intimacy. We call it fate, when it’s really familiar pain.
Emotional Checklist: Are You Loving or Losing Yourself?
☐ I feel anxious when I don’t receive constant attention.
☐ I stay in relationships that deplete me because I’m afraid of being alone.
☐ I believe I have to earn love or prove my worth.
☐ I apologize for having needs.
☐ I equate jealousy or possession with passion.
☐ I mistake silence or withdrawal as my fault.
☐ I put others first so often that I’ve forgotten what I enjoy.
This is not a diagnosis. It’s an invitation.
If some of these resonate with you, take a breath.
Ask yourself:
• What do these patterns reveal?
• Which ones feel familiar?
• What might you be protecting, avoiding, or unconsciously replaying?
You are the expert of your own life.
These patterns don’t define you — but they do speak.
What are they trying to say?
How Did We Learn to Confuse Love With Pain?
From childhood, we absorb scripts. Some of us watched one parent shrink for peace. Others were told that love means obedience, perfection, or fixing someone else. In our desperation to belong, we learned to abandon ourselves.
This confusion follows us: into partnerships, into sex, into friendships, into how we speak to ourselves. We repeat the pattern not because we’re broken, but because it’s familiar.
What Does It Mean to Unlearn Love?
Unlearning love doesn’t mean becoming bitter or closed off. It means questioning the blueprint. It’s letting go of what you thought love was — in order to discover what love truly feels like when it’s rooted in truth, not trauma.
It means redefining love as:
• Something you can give without losing yourself.
• A space where your “no” is not punished.
• A place that doesn’t ask you to shrink, lie, or bleed to stay.
• A relationship that allows growth — not sacrifice — to be the measure of connection.
What Can You Do Right Now?
Journal Prompts for Inner Clarity:
What did love look like in your childhood?
What were you praised or punished for in relationships?
Have you ever mistaken anxiety for connection?
What does “safe” love feel like to you now?
What boundaries have you never voiced?
Let your answers guide your reclamation.
“Love is not a test you have to pass.
It’s a truth you get to live — without bleeding to earn it.”
— Dr. Wil Rodríguez
The Relearning Begins With You
You don’t have to hate anyone to heal. You don’t have to label your past a mistake to evolve. But you do have to take the risk of choosing something deeper.
You were not made to shrink.
You were made to feel safe, seen, and sacred — in love and in solitude.
Call to Action
If this resonates, don’t let it end here.
Read the companion post: “The Privilege of Having a Choice”
Download the Self-Worth Reclamation Checklist (coming soon)
Share this post and tag someone unlearning too.
Comment below: What are you unlearning about love?
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