“I Win, You Win: Ending the Hidden War of Human Agreements”
- Dr. Wil Rodriguez
- Jun 10
- 2 min read
By Dr. Wil Rodríguez
Author of Win-Win / Lose-Lose
Contributor, TOCSIN Magazine
“We were never created to dominate or shrink.
We were designed to be in alignment.”
— Excerpt from Win-Win / Lose-Lose
Where Did We Learn That Someone Has to Lose?
We live in a world that glorifies dominance — in love, in leadership, even in family.
We’ve been taught that to be right, someone else must be wrong.
That to rise, someone else must fall.
That conflict means one side wins — and the other disappears.
But the real damage isn’t loud.
It happens in silence.
In cold wars.
In controlled conversations.
In smiles that hide withdrawal.
As I write in Win-Win / Lose-Lose:
“Win-Win is not about getting everything you want.
It’s about creating something neither party wants to destroy.”
The Violence of Emotional Competition
Lose–Lose doesn’t always look like failure.
It can look like pride.
It can look like being “right.”
It can look like distance that feels noble, but is actually just emotional punishment.
“Lose–Lose is not passive.
It’s sabotage disguised as self-preservation.”
We withhold truth to protect our ego.
We use silence to punish.
We leave first — not because it’s wise, but because it hurts less than risking vulnerability.
A New Agreement: I Win, You Win
What if we rewrote the emotional contract?
Not to avoid truth, but to protect connection.
Not to sacrifice ourselves, but to see each other fully.
Not to dominate — but to align.
“The Win-Win Agreement is a conscious decision
to honor both people without collapsing the truth.”
This isn’t about being passive.
It’s about being powerful with someone — not over them.
A Real Moment from Coaching
I once coached a woman who hadn’t spoken to her sister in over three years.
They both claimed to be “protecting their peace.”
But what they were protecting was their need to be right.
When I introduced the Win–Win model, she paused and said:
“So I can still tell the truth…
but I don’t have to destroy her in the process?”
Exactly.
They began again. Not because they erased the pai —
but because they chose to re-enter the relationship with new agreements.
What Does Win–Win Require?
Emotional maturity — Not everyone will meet you here, but you must live here first.
Truth without weapons — Your voice is not a sword. It’s a bridge.
Agreement beyond ego — The goal is not to win the argument. It’s to win the connection.
As I affirm in Win-Win / Lose-Lose:
“The power of Win-Win is not in the words.
It’s in the willingness to unlearn power struggles disguised as communication.”
Final Reflection
You were not born to dominate.
You were not created to be dominated.
You were built for alignment.
For wholeness.
For connection that tells the truth — without demanding someone’s disappearance.
So the next time you want to “win,” ask yourself:
Can I win without making you small?
And if I can’t — is it really a win at all?
📘 Explore the Book
Win-Win / Lose-Lose
By Dr. Wil Rodríguez
Available through Draft2Digital (Kindle, Apple Books, Kobo, Barnes & Noble, and more)
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